The Art of Attraction

By Jason Benham

Allure – the quality of being powerfully and mysteriously attractive or fascinating.

Think back to the very first time you found yourself crazy attracted to your spouse. Was it when you first met? For me, it happened a year after Tori and I met. I was playing in Bluefield, WV for the Orioles’ rookie team and her family came to visit me. When I drove into the parking lot of the hotel to greet them I saw Tori walking toward my car. My knees went weak. I could barely get out of the car as everything was moving in slow motion. You ever had one of those dreams where you needed to run but you couldn’t? Yea, that’s what I was feeling. I knew from that moment forward she had to be mine. Of course, since I had known her over a year there were other things I was attracted to, but this was the final piece of the puzzle.

Thinking back on our dating relationship I realized that my attraction to her led to my affection toward her. But after seventeen years of marriage, I’ve discovered that while attraction led to affection before we said “I do,” affection leads to attraction afterwards.

Here’s something crazy – if I am proactively affectionate with Tori, even when I don’t want to be, I find myself more attracted to her. But this affection has to take place in the mind first. Webster’s 1828 dictionary says affection is a “bent of mind toward a particular object” – it’s a mindset first, then it manifests in our words and deeds.

Jesus tells us, “where your treasure is there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:21) Your heart will go where your mind takes it. So if I want my heart to be attracted to my wife then my mind needs to start thinking affectionately toward her.

God is our greatest example on how to do this. In the book of Hosea, the people of God (His bride) had cheated on Him by their idolatry. So He delivered a harsh message through His prophet Hosea to the people, letting them know their behavior wouldn’t be tolerated. However, He still loved His people and knew how to get them back:

“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her.” (Hosea 2:14)

Did you catch that? God was going to “allure” her by “speaking tenderly” to her. He would attract her by His affection toward her. Affection first, attraction second.

But remember, this principle is for people who are already committed to each other. I’m not saying you should marry someone you’re not attracted to!

So, do you want to have that quality of being powerfully and mysteriously attractive to your spouse once again? Well then do it by leading with affection! The power of your allure will draw them right back in!


Jason Benham

My aim is simple: I want to get you hooked on God’s Word so that you become the godly man your wife and kids need you to be—the faithful warrior God called you to be. As men, we were made to fight, and our greatest weapon is the Word of God. Armed with His truth, we can win the battles desperately raging against us, our marriages, our families, as well as the culture in which we are called to change.

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